he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
