i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
