pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
