You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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