i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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