Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
