she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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