The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
