So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
