I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize