Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize