I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dicks are not precious.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
