so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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