They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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