Small penises have feelings too.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
