My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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