Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize