Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
