After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
