My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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