don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
