I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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