I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
