So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
