I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
