Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
