I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
