Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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