I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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