He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
