At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
