My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
