does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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