Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
