Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
