I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
