I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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