Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
