cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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