I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
