i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
