Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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