Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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