My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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