My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize