why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
