my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
