I feel like I'm in dance class right now
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
