I puked a lego.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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