I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He shit in the fireplace
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
