Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
