that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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