My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
