True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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