Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
