Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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