i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
