i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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