Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
