Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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