apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
