i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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