This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
my nose is crying tears of wow.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
