This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize