halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
