So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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