I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
