I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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