Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
