Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
