I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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